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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

A case for Sex Education

For the first time - a title which means exactly what it says.

In many ways, this is a continuation of the previous post. There, I attempted to show, through fictionalised accounts, how boys are scared away from physical intimacy through a series of subliminal messages that come at them from all directions. An unfortunate consequence of this is that Indian boys grow up either to be depraved boors who feel every woman is theirs for the taking, or repressed introverts who cannot get over their inhibitions about women long enough to pursue them on their own. Consensual sex is not common among either group, sadly (except post-maritally - and there too, the issue of consent is not quite cut and dried).

And where does that leave the Indian woman? Sadly unsatisfied, and yet afraid of her own sexuality. Quite a depressing state of affairs all around.

But this is not about the women - I have no locus standi on that issue. Further, I am not duly concerned with the depraved boor. Reams of newsprint have been dedicated to the analysis of rape in our society. I am more interested in the other kind of men - the sexual wallflowers. Their situation is all the more tragic, because they could have been the very men that most women spend their lives waiting for, but ended up as much less.

All this could have been avoided with a little bit of well-aimed education.

Here, culled from my own experience, are examples of the potential dangers of "learning it on the streets".


(mandatory white space)


(this is really going to boost my daily page hits)


Yeah, I know. None of you turned back, did you? Bunch of salacious perverts. Right, so here we go.

You've already seen this one.

Girls have babies in their stomach. So if you hit them in their stomachs then it gets damaged and they can't hold babies there anymore.

Then again, it always worried me how most Indians use the local words for "stomach" and "womb" interchangeably. But it didn't stop there. Not even close.

There was also a friend who never ceased to amaze us with his in-depth (no pun intended) knowledge of women and their anatomy.

Hey, look at that chick.

The one with the pimples?


What about her?

She's really horny. I bet she's dying to be fucked right now.

Do you know her?


Then how...?

Its the pimples, see?

Umm, no I don't.

You know what causes pimples, right? The extra flow of sex hormones. So if a chick has so many pimples, it means she produces a whole lot of extra hormones. That happens when they masturbate too much. So this girl clearly fingers herself three-four times a day. With that kind of a sex drive, she'd let you take her if you just said hello.

And my mother always insisted it was a result of not drinking enough water.

I was blessed to have friends who were so skilled in matters relating to women. One even explained an interesting phenomenon to me once.

You see, every time you put your dick into a woman's cunt, it gets wider. In fact, most prostitutes have been fucked so many times that you can easily put your fist in.
That's also where the Hindi word "bhosadike" comes from. Its a variant of an old Sanskrit word which means "A cunt you can put your head into". So its only the most slutty kind of whores who will have one of those.

The linguistics of fictional sex. I'm sure some school somewhere offers a PhD in that.

There was a time when I used to take the school bus. Most of the kids on it were far younger than I was. One day, the bus pulled up next to a school bus of a well-known girls school (of which at least one of my fellow bloggers is an alumna), when a brat of ten screamed.


Stunned silence ensued. Dirty looks poured in at us from the fine ladies in the neighbouring vehicle - most of them directed at us older boys, who were (for once) blameless. Luckily the lights changed and the buses roared off in opposite directions.


That was me, displaying ample indignation.

What did you just say?

Hee-hee. I said "Hey sexy" (with an impish grin)

Do you know what "sexy" means?

(shakes head)

Do you even know what the word "sex" means?

Ya! (An expression that sounds terrible when not uttered by a German speaker)

Well, what does it mean?

Its what homosexuals do.



So tell me, what are homosexuals?

Boys who like boys.

Score one for gay rights, I guess.

Then there was the time a group of friends noticed a poster of an upcoming Bengali movie, starring a recently married actress, who had begun showing signs of the indolence that accompanies marital bliss.

God, look at how fat she's become.

Her face is still cute, though.

Yeah, but her arse is HUGE.

That's because her husband is so kinky.

Explain that statement right now.

Notice how her arse has grown while the rest of her is still the same. She doesn't even have a tummy.


So that can only happen if you have a lot of anal sex. Clearly he's giving it to her in the arse all the fucking time.

New butt reduction technique - don't break the Indian Penal Code.

It wasn't only the guys who were so grossly misinformed. I still recall the time I went to watch There's Something about Mary, accompanied by the Duck and some girls from our class. During the movie, the Duck and I were rolling in the aisles, but our female compatriots were strangely subdued. Their reaction during the now-classic "hair-gel" scene was surprisingly muted. After the movie, I overheard the following conversation.

So what exactly was that stuff on his ear?

I think it was some kind of cream. I know that guys use these lubricating creams sometimes.

Even while shagging?

I guess.

No, no! I'm quite sure it was a melted condom.

Sometimes, I find it difficult to imagine how family planning programmes are ever expected to work.

But the best of all was the following one.

What is "fucking"?

So, you know how a car has an exhaust tube...

(the remaining details are slightly fuzzy)

Do I really need to continue?

Maybe I'm overreacting. Its quite possible that people and attitudes have changed dramatically in the last five years, and I haven't noticed. After all, we were the last of the pre-cable TV generation who grew up in an era of blinding naivete.

To think now that I actually acted in a stage production of Lear's The Owl and the Pussycat, where I recited all my lines to my female co-star while tenderly holding her hand, without a single snigger from me or anyone in the audience.

The kids of today can just type in all their intricate queries about sex into Google's search bar, and be taken directly to the Jabberwock's blog, where all the answers to their problems can be found (along with a healthy dose of literature). If only that were true when I was young.

But thats just crying over spilt seed.