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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Sexuality Crisis

Well, it happened again. Once again, someone assumed I was gay. If I wasn't so inured to this, I suppose I would be annoyed. But I'm past caring now.

In fact, there was a point when I had been hit on by more men than women (luckily, that has ceased to be the case). At that point I even considered whether I was actually in denial about being gay. Now in retrospect, I think I can do a re-analysis

Top 10 reasons in favour of my being gay
1) I have very good personal hygiene
2) I am terribly up-to-date on dressing trends
3) I notice people's clothes
4) I can tell the difference between peach, pink and salmon
5) I have colour-coordinated bath linen
6) I think plastic glasses are tacky
7) I think I look good in corduroy
8) I'm finicky about keeping my beard trimmed
9) I use conditioner and shampoo separately
10) I hate beer

Top 1 reason why I'm NOT gay
1) I close my eyes and picture Brad Pitt naked. Have to throw up and watch 1 hour of (FEMALE) porn to erase images from my mind. Lesbian action preferred.

Right then, so what does that make me?

Decided to claim I was metrosexual. Actually managed to pull it off for a while. Until a very fashionable lady from Bombay sniffed at me disparagingly and said "No metrosexual would be caught dead in those shoes. And shouldn't you be at the gym?".

Right now I have no idea. The only fear I have is that women will assume I'm gay and stop wanting to sleep with me. As if the situation wasn't bad enough already. I think some of this has to do with being born in July, 1979. That's the sign of the crab in the year of the sheep. For the uninitiated, these are both the most feminine signs in their respective mythologies. Just my luck.

Perhaps I should stop vacuuming.