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Thursday, November 13, 2008

It was Kaveri Jha who started this. Who, you ask. As it turns out - it doesn't matter.

So, aforementioned lady is soon to be appearing[1] in a Bollywood movie titled Kidnap[2]. Having never heard of her, I decided to turn to Google for sight beyond sight, in the event that I had actually seen her before in something[4]. Google informed that I had not, in fact, seen her in something[5]. But that wasn't what grabbed my attention. It was the URL of one of the sites on which one of the photos was hosted. This site was titled (ahem) Kaveri Jha Thigh Show dot blogspot dot com (/ahem).

Now this piqued my interest. An entire site dedicated to displays of a single body part of a completely obscure[6] Bollywood starlet. I was reminded of a site set up by a friend of mine in honour of Britney Spears' navel[7]. This was probably something along those lines, I thought. A fan site created as a labour of love to the unattainable object of his admiration. My friend would painstakingly scour the net for photographs of Ms Spears, in which her navel was visible, and then he would crop these pictures into neat squares with sides of 40 pixels. These shots of her cute-as-a-button bellybutton were then arranged into a collage set against a simple blue background.

The creator of this particular site, I thought, must have approached his goal with a similar zeal. Given modern actresses' penchant for short dresses, it must have been easy to collect photographs of his lady's (apparently) exceptional thighs and arrange them in a pleasing manner. Perhaps something a little avant-garde, along the lines of the Body Parts Exhibit.

I also wondered - why Kaveri Jha in particular? Why not someone with more exalted anatomical sections? Might not Madhuri Dixit have been a more worthy subject? The problem of course was with the selection of the appropriate appendage. Even though Madhuri has a smile that could light up an auditorium, and, at the peak of her popularity, an abdomen that could double as an ironing board; one never particularly noticed her thighs. This is more due to the fact that movie outfits in the 1980's had hemlines lower than the Hindu rate of growth, rather than any failing on Ms Dixit's part. In fact, I believe that they are exceptionally shapely, and that we are much the poorer for having not got enough glimpses of them. But that was an age ago. Now micro-minis are ubiquitous on screen, and it would be criminal for a young fan to let slip such an amazing opportunity to create a temple to his unattainable idol's perfect hamstrings.

Now imagine my crushing disappointment when I arrived at the site. On a simple blogspot template, in a single column, are five photographs of a woman[8], sitting with her legs crossed on a chair, at what appears to be a public function, while clad in a white short dress. While these photos clearly satisfy the raison d'etre of the blog[9], they fail on a higher level. As an illustrative example, consider your dining table. If you were a bit literal-minded, you could have places a plank of wood on four cinder blocks and used it. Technically such an arrangement would satisfy the definition of a "dining table"[10], but I'm sure you would all agree that to call it such would be a travesty. So it is with blogs. If your blog were titled "Hillary Clinton's pantsuits", then I would feel terribly disappointed if it contained one shot of her concession speech. Its the worst kind of "gotcha".

I can picture the creator of the blog right now - fat and greasy with a bad case of acne and an unkempt bears. He sits at his chair stuffing a burger into his mouth, spilling mustard onto his already stained shirt. After five minutes of chomping, he notices you standing there, tapping your foot in annoyance. His mouth full, he jerks his head in your direction, as if to ask "What?". Indignantly, you point to the blog and say "Five pictures from a single event. Thats just shoddy. And lets not even start about your grammar." He grimaces and lets out a belch before grumbling - "Its Kaveri Jha doing thigh show. What is problem?[12]". With a sigh, you walk away realising that there is no hope for redemption here, all the while holding your breath to keep out the stench of sweat, hamburger grease and loneliness.

Its amazing where too much time and unlimited broadband can lead.

[1] - Or has already appeared - my internal chronometer isn't what it used to be.

[2] - Or is it Hijack - some criminally-themed movie involving an underclad belle du jour, I can't tell them apart anymore[3].

[3] - Neither the movies nor the women, sadly.

[4] - Not that it mattered. I have already forgotten what her face looked like, if she had one at all.

[5] - In fact she is rarely, if ever, in anything that can reasonably be referred to as "something".

[6] - As far as I know.

[7] - This was in 1997, so don't judge him too harshly.

[8] - Presumably the aforementioned - I'll be damned if I could remember her face.

[9] - Yes, some part of her thighs are "shown" in all of the pictures. Go look, if you're into that kind of thing.

[10] - Its flat, raised and you can eat off it[11]

[11] - Not unlike Madhuri's abdomen.

[12] - sic